Conversation without

What a blessing
What a curse
To live in your shadow
As you live in mine

We look out
For each other
At each other
There is no other

Always hiding somewhere
Only to appear from nowhere
To see you at the next corner
Surprises me no longer

They call me vain
When I look at you again
I'm just proud of you
Don't want no dirt on you

My greatest critic
Whispering my faults
In that silent voice
Heard with my eyes

We are so same
Yet so different
Parallel opposites
Of the one-sided coin

When I see right through you
You are barely there
A ghost painted
On the canvas of reality

I screamed and shouted at you today
For reminding me of that someone I hate
As I shook my head in despair
I caught you nodding yours

After much intoxication
We are two at last
My victory secured
And yet I wonder

Am I yours
Or are you mine
A mere reflection
To be reflected upon

Heal or I'll shoot!!

Went to see the doc today. He was a bit concerned that my bone wasn't healing as fast as it should. Asked me to keep away from fags 'cause smoking slows bone recovery. Zzzzzzz.

He was gonna make me continue with the long cast, but changed his mind at the last minute to give me a short cast. Says I should put 10-20% of my body weight on it so that the bone will join together faster.

I can bend my leg to nearly 90 degrees but not anymore 'cause my knee hurts when I try. Doc says its because being immobile for too long causes some @!!#%& in the knee to contract and it'll take time before I recover full knee mobility.

The sickest part is that my right thigh is damn small compared to my left thigh. So the muscles have definitely degenerated. I can imagine my right calf being as thick as uh.....my arm?

When will I start walking? Will my right leg ever grow back to its original size considering how hard it is for me to gain weight? How did a "2-3 months recovery" turn into a "3-6 months recovery"?

%#&%#@#^&* DAMMIT!!!!

Thou shalt suffer with me as I continue to unleash torrents of melancholic, sobby, cringe-worthy cheena songs on my blog!! Actually this is a very nice duet that I'd love to sing with *ahem* even though my voice sucks. Gimme the loving I deserve. If I don't deserve any, at least stop feeding me that poison called Hope.

Well, at least I learnt one thing today.

Fact of the day : Smoking slows down bone recovery.

Blood

Just came home after drinking and breakfast with the boys. My mum was awake and instead of questioning my coming home so late, she asked me whether I ate already. My mum loves me a lot. But why?

Blood is thicker than water they say, but everyone is an individual in the end. We lead our own lives, so what does it concern another that we are happy? Just because we are family?

I feel that everything is fated. We started out life as a single sperm competing against millions of others. There's a million to one chance that we would never be born, but we are here in the now. How lucky are we to experience this thing called life?

I say be glad that you have a family that loves you. Be glad that you have friends to share your joys and fears. I would have said more, but it's past my sleeping hour of 7am. Time to rejuvenate my body in anticipation of another exciting day stuck at home.

Positive thoughts lead to a positive lifestyle. So I shall try my utmost to be positive about life. The glass is half-full I guess.

Go ahead and give your mummy a kiss and a hug. And tell her how much you love her. Appreciate those around you who care about you. Regret is something I wouldn't want.

Kerk Thinks

The songs "If tomorrow never comes" and "Feels like Home" played a part in affecting my mood and thoughts for this entry. This is a very long,tedious entry so make sure you got a cup of coffee or some good old Kit Kat with you. Failing that, you can always suck on your thumb.

Ok, the mortality issue is really getting to me these past few days. Been sleeping a lot and thinking a lot. I thought about what would happen when I die. Would it be painful and what is that exact feeling that I will have when I die? Will it be fear? Regret? I felt cold for a while as I thought about this. Cold and lonely. When you die, you die alone.

I can see people around me being sad. Then after a while, everything carries on without me. I'll be just a memory, a thought, a name.And in time to come, when everybody who knew me passes on, I wouldn't even be anything. No trace of me except maybe a tombstone to mark me by. That's scary.

I also thought about being old. How do you handle being old? I can't even imagine myself spending a single day being an old man. I want to be young forever!! But I thought about it a bit more after watching William Shatner, 73, acting as Danny Crane on Boston Legal. If I'm forever young, I'd never know the joys of being old.

22 years spent already. I think I've wasted a lot of precious time. I don't want to waste more time being what everyone expects me to be or wants me to do. I want to do what I want. I want to learn more about the wonderful things in our world and which we created with our magnificent human minds. I want to experience everything.

If you ask me a while back whether I'd exchange my life with a successful, respected, famous, rich, handsome guy with a beautiful wife and wonderful friends, I'd say GIVE IT TO ME!! But now, I don't think so. My experiences in life have shaped me to be the Kerk I am. Opportunities have led me to have the friends I have such as /S. Sure, I'd never know what it would be like to be a Richard Gere, but Richard Gere will never know what it's like to be a Kerk either.

But people love to concern themselves with tabloids or blogs. We want to somehow live a part of other people's lives, to take a bit of their experience and compare. If right now I compare myself to the world, I'm leading a good life. I live in peace. I don't worry about where my next meal is coming from or freezing to death. But that's what we like to do too much. Compare.

I have to stop comparing myself with others. No one is equal. You are fortunate as long as you think you are. Why make yourself angry or upset or jealous? Does it feel good? The best way to give yourself a treat is to feel good about yourself. Smile and be happy. It's easy to say and hard to do no? But your feelings, emotions, actions and reactions all belong to you.

Love is very important too. It is beyond comprehension the love of family, the love of friends, and the love of lovers. Everyone wants the best for himself, but love makes us want the best for others too. It curbs our selfishness and yet feels so good. I say spend more time with your loved ones. It's free!

2 nights back, I dreamt of having an adopted kid. Holding her hand as we walked, I felt this sense of fatherly pride. When she got burnt, I panicked so much and the sense of relief when she got well was as good as joy. Listening to her talk, I remembered my own childhood. Her questions made me see the world in a different, kinder light. Just having her by my side, nothing else seemed to matter.

I woke up feeling really good, even though it's just a dream. And I gave it another thought. Maybe dreams are our mini-heaven and mini-hell. If we do good things in the day and have positive thoughts, our dreams end up well. If we do nasty things and have guilty consciences, we have bad dreams. Just a thought, nothing serious and I can see flaws in it too.

By this point if you're still reading this, you have earned my respect. I was partly affected by a part of Boston Legal about this old lady returning from the hospital to die in her house with her family by her side. 7 days. 7 precious days. What is 7 days to you my friend?

For those of you a bit worried for me, don't be. I'm just clearing my thoughts by typing them out. I'm still the cheerful, get angry once in 5 years, like to talk a lot Kerk. Just that I've reached the point where my life needs sorting and I'm sorting it out. And learning to take pleasure and be satisfied with my life. If you got spare time, go sort out yours too.

One for Den

Got a shocker today when Dennis said that he's got Bell's Palsy aka facial paralysis. The poor guy decided to push his appointment date with the neurologist till after his papers. I realised his appt date is on the same day as mine. Maybe I'll catch him at SGH. Strange coincidence though.

Anyway, S was nice enough to take time off her busy scheldule and come visit me when she heard that I was injured from one of our common frens whom I met at Orchard the other day.

She even bought a Ramly burger for me from the Tanjong Pagar Railway Station near our house. According to her, it's open 'till 4am!! And it tastes very good although my opinions might be heavily biased at the moment.


"The Ramly Burger...so nice."

Well, nothing much else to say. Huiyi looks fantastic in her blog, I'm hopping around the house, the guys are mugging and Arsenal has 8 clean-sheets in Europe. Think life's going OK at the moment.

Now we just need /S to thrash their next opponents, Kerk to look good in his blog, exams to be over so the celebrations can start asap, all of us to saggf and Dennis to get well soon.
'Nuff said.

This could very well have been something else and in fact it was

Of M.Bisons and Shredders, 5 drone rushes and aesthetically pleasing artistic displays of human interaction in a controlled environment. That's what tonight's conversation on irc was about anyways.

So, I logged into my blog account wanting to write something even if it really means nothing. 3 hours on and that something even if it means nothing has translated to a big blank space. I could have just closed my internet browser but I don't like to stop what I started, even if technically speaking I haven't really started.

Foong wanted me to post something to entertain him before he slept. Wala!! The inspiration for the 1st incarnation of this very post! Title was "Hi Foong". Entry consisted of "This was written to entertain Foong. So Hi there. 'Nuff Said."

What a brilliant entry! Definite contender for Blog-of-the-year-or-some-other-similar-award-I-seriously-couldn't-give-a-flying-f*ck-about!!

But I know it's dishonest to cheat, and so I decided to apply myself a little more. Then I thought of a brilliant plan. How about "Blog Entries I'll never publish!" ? Definitely the way to go.

So here I am doing major plastic surgery to the Foong post. I'm definitely better than Dr. Woffles Wu I daresay. This is much better than that pathetic little post but yet somewhere deep down, the original post still lives on as part of this vast improvement!!

Anyway, on with the new topic that I thought of. Here's the list.

10) "The 100th goal I scored for /S"

9) "I enjoyed my conversation with Fiona Xie so much I forgot to stare at her boobs"

8) "Things I enjoy doing with my right hand"

7) "Things I really enjoy doing with BOTH hands"

6) "My date with the waxing salon"

5) "N'sync, Backstreet Boys and Westlife : Bands I love and why"

4) "And that 153GB hidden folder on my external harddisk drive contains..."

3) "Personal Collection of Barbie dolls for sale"

2) "At Milan currently modelling for Versace, missing you guys..."

1) "10 reasons I don't like Wenny"

Haha. Not bad right? Foong dared me to write the number 1 on the list and being the shy, cowardly guy that I am, I refused. And then I went on and wrote it. That tells you a lot about me I guess.

No offense to Wenny ok? You rock!

Another day, another blog.

Field Trip

After spending about 1 month at home, I finally got to go out courtesy of aZ and Junyi. We went Orchard to shop around. I've never made so many heads turn in my life, but thanks to the fantastic designs on my cast, I got a lot of attention from the girls.

Expressions ranged from want-to-laugh-but-trying-not-to-laugh to I-wanna-take-another-look-without-anyone-noticing. I'm sure if aZ and Junyi weren't around, I'd get some numbers for sure. Maybe.

Walking around town with crutches is damn freaking shagadelic. I was really freaking gone as we moved around town. It's not easy to go around town with crutches on a Friday evening. But I guess I amused a lot of people with my outstanding cast.

Anyway, tonight we celebrated John's 22nd Birthday and so on to Q Room we went. As usual, we drank and sang and drank and sang. Nothing beats a night out with the lads I guess.

Of course Den the Man came down with his M. Bison who wasn't intimidated by us, even though the first song she heard upon entering the room was Foong's rendition of "Li Ay Hia Di". She's quite sporting and sang a few Duets with Den. Dun let go of that gem of yours ok.

So here I am at home, admiring the $54 boots Les got for us from Aussie and the T-shirts I ordered from Threadless. Wonder when I'll put them to good use. The Doc says 3 more weeks and I'll get a walking cast, so I still have way to go before getting to kick some balls around.

Thought of the Day : Don't You know it's rude to stare? (Pretty and/or cute girls are exempted of course!)

The birds around my neighborhood are chirping already. That means it's time to lean back onto the bed and have a good night's rest. See you later, alligators.