Kerk Thinks
The songs "If tomorrow never comes" and "Feels like Home" played a part in affecting my mood and thoughts for this entry. This is a very long,tedious entry so make sure you got a cup of coffee or some good old Kit Kat with you. Failing that, you can always suck on your thumb.
Ok, the mortality issue is really getting to me these past few days. Been sleeping a lot and thinking a lot. I thought about what would happen when I die. Would it be painful and what is that exact feeling that I will have when I die? Will it be fear? Regret? I felt cold for a while as I thought about this. Cold and lonely. When you die, you die alone.
I can see people around me being sad. Then after a while, everything carries on without me. I'll be just a memory, a thought, a name.And in time to come, when everybody who knew me passes on, I wouldn't even be anything. No trace of me except maybe a tombstone to mark me by. That's scary.
I also thought about being old. How do you handle being old? I can't even imagine myself spending a single day being an old man. I want to be young forever!! But I thought about it a bit more after watching William Shatner, 73, acting as Danny Crane on Boston Legal. If I'm forever young, I'd never know the joys of being old.
22 years spent already. I think I've wasted a lot of precious time. I don't want to waste more time being what everyone expects me to be or wants me to do. I want to do what I want. I want to learn more about the wonderful things in our world and which we created with our magnificent human minds. I want to experience everything.
If you ask me a while back whether I'd exchange my life with a successful, respected, famous, rich, handsome guy with a beautiful wife and wonderful friends, I'd say GIVE IT TO ME!! But now, I don't think so. My experiences in life have shaped me to be the Kerk I am. Opportunities have led me to have the friends I have such as /S. Sure, I'd never know what it would be like to be a Richard Gere, but Richard Gere will never know what it's like to be a Kerk either.
But people love to concern themselves with tabloids or blogs. We want to somehow live a part of other people's lives, to take a bit of their experience and compare. If right now I compare myself to the world, I'm leading a good life. I live in peace. I don't worry about where my next meal is coming from or freezing to death. But that's what we like to do too much. Compare.
I have to stop comparing myself with others. No one is equal. You are fortunate as long as you think you are. Why make yourself angry or upset or jealous? Does it feel good? The best way to give yourself a treat is to feel good about yourself. Smile and be happy. It's easy to say and hard to do no? But your feelings, emotions, actions and reactions all belong to you.
Love is very important too. It is beyond comprehension the love of family, the love of friends, and the love of lovers. Everyone wants the best for himself, but love makes us want the best for others too. It curbs our selfishness and yet feels so good. I say spend more time with your loved ones. It's free!
2 nights back, I dreamt of having an adopted kid. Holding her hand as we walked, I felt this sense of fatherly pride. When she got burnt, I panicked so much and the sense of relief when she got well was as good as joy. Listening to her talk, I remembered my own childhood. Her questions made me see the world in a different, kinder light. Just having her by my side, nothing else seemed to matter.
I woke up feeling really good, even though it's just a dream. And I gave it another thought. Maybe dreams are our mini-heaven and mini-hell. If we do good things in the day and have positive thoughts, our dreams end up well. If we do nasty things and have guilty consciences, we have bad dreams. Just a thought, nothing serious and I can see flaws in it too.
By this point if you're still reading this, you have earned my respect. I was partly affected by a part of Boston Legal about this old lady returning from the hospital to die in her house with her family by her side. 7 days. 7 precious days. What is 7 days to you my friend?
For those of you a bit worried for me, don't be. I'm just clearing my thoughts by typing them out. I'm still the cheerful, get angry once in 5 years, like to talk a lot Kerk. Just that I've reached the point where my life needs sorting and I'm sorting it out. And learning to take pleasure and be satisfied with my life. If you got spare time, go sort out yours too.
Ok, the mortality issue is really getting to me these past few days. Been sleeping a lot and thinking a lot. I thought about what would happen when I die. Would it be painful and what is that exact feeling that I will have when I die? Will it be fear? Regret? I felt cold for a while as I thought about this. Cold and lonely. When you die, you die alone.
I can see people around me being sad. Then after a while, everything carries on without me. I'll be just a memory, a thought, a name.And in time to come, when everybody who knew me passes on, I wouldn't even be anything. No trace of me except maybe a tombstone to mark me by. That's scary.
I also thought about being old. How do you handle being old? I can't even imagine myself spending a single day being an old man. I want to be young forever!! But I thought about it a bit more after watching William Shatner, 73, acting as Danny Crane on Boston Legal. If I'm forever young, I'd never know the joys of being old.
22 years spent already. I think I've wasted a lot of precious time. I don't want to waste more time being what everyone expects me to be or wants me to do. I want to do what I want. I want to learn more about the wonderful things in our world and which we created with our magnificent human minds. I want to experience everything.
If you ask me a while back whether I'd exchange my life with a successful, respected, famous, rich, handsome guy with a beautiful wife and wonderful friends, I'd say GIVE IT TO ME!! But now, I don't think so. My experiences in life have shaped me to be the Kerk I am. Opportunities have led me to have the friends I have such as /S. Sure, I'd never know what it would be like to be a Richard Gere, but Richard Gere will never know what it's like to be a Kerk either.
But people love to concern themselves with tabloids or blogs. We want to somehow live a part of other people's lives, to take a bit of their experience and compare. If right now I compare myself to the world, I'm leading a good life. I live in peace. I don't worry about where my next meal is coming from or freezing to death. But that's what we like to do too much. Compare.
I have to stop comparing myself with others. No one is equal. You are fortunate as long as you think you are. Why make yourself angry or upset or jealous? Does it feel good? The best way to give yourself a treat is to feel good about yourself. Smile and be happy. It's easy to say and hard to do no? But your feelings, emotions, actions and reactions all belong to you.
Love is very important too. It is beyond comprehension the love of family, the love of friends, and the love of lovers. Everyone wants the best for himself, but love makes us want the best for others too. It curbs our selfishness and yet feels so good. I say spend more time with your loved ones. It's free!
2 nights back, I dreamt of having an adopted kid. Holding her hand as we walked, I felt this sense of fatherly pride. When she got burnt, I panicked so much and the sense of relief when she got well was as good as joy. Listening to her talk, I remembered my own childhood. Her questions made me see the world in a different, kinder light. Just having her by my side, nothing else seemed to matter.
I woke up feeling really good, even though it's just a dream. And I gave it another thought. Maybe dreams are our mini-heaven and mini-hell. If we do good things in the day and have positive thoughts, our dreams end up well. If we do nasty things and have guilty consciences, we have bad dreams. Just a thought, nothing serious and I can see flaws in it too.
By this point if you're still reading this, you have earned my respect. I was partly affected by a part of Boston Legal about this old lady returning from the hospital to die in her house with her family by her side. 7 days. 7 precious days. What is 7 days to you my friend?
For those of you a bit worried for me, don't be. I'm just clearing my thoughts by typing them out. I'm still the cheerful, get angry once in 5 years, like to talk a lot Kerk. Just that I've reached the point where my life needs sorting and I'm sorting it out. And learning to take pleasure and be satisfied with my life. If you got spare time, go sort out yours too.
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